|
This is strangely compelling. Please take the time to read it!
Bob the Eskimo Copyright 2001 Isaiah Kellogg The story of a young LEGO man... One cold day in Hawaii (after the Eskimos conquered and enslaved the rest of humanity) a shy young Inuit named Bob noticed a cute little girl in his third grade Differential Equations in Laminar Airflow on Rotary Airfoils class. Now, she didn't dress the "trendy" way like the popular students did, but she had a really winning smile and genuinely cared about people. Bob had never really been too impressed with physical appearance (as long as people kept their head nice and plugged in new hair every few days) so he decided to talk to her.
Bob sauntered over to her desk one day after class and offered her a gift in the traditional Eskimo style: a small bag of halibut eyes. She was duly impressed and quietly asked for his name. As mentioned before, Bob was rather shy and therefore had a tough time pronouncing the singular syllable.
The charming young lady was very empathetic and so tried to help ease his shyness by telling him her own name: Bobetta. Bob was dumbfounded and could only stare at her beautiful yellow face with its permanent charming smile.
After a fitful but unawkward silence, both Bobetta and Bob spoke at the same time, causing them to laugh at themselves and therefore break the tension. Bob spoke first:
"Bobetta; that's a beautiful name."
Bobetta replied with a tentative "You really think so?"
Again Bob was struck with shyness, but this time managed to get the words out at least quasi-intelligibly. "My village is going to a tribal camp at the ski resort in Tijuana next week. W-w-would you like to come along?"
By this time, Bobetta had her mouth full of the juicy halibut eyes, but she managed to mumble that she needed to ask her parents first. Her parents were good friends of Bob's parents, and both sets of parents were fond of the idea of their children becoming friends and therefore eagerly consented.
The day before the trip, Bobetta's parents packed her a birthday present to open on her birthday since she would be turning 9 (that's plastic years) during the trip. Being of a highly curious nature, she felt the nearly overwhelming urge to peek into the blue smiley-face wrappers, but managed to restrain herself through her honest nature and Bob's efforts on behalf of her parents (he knew that she had gotten a scuba tank for her birthday but had been obligated not to tell her).
During the trip, which lasted for almost a minute and a half (here you must remember that a LEGO world must not necessarily be small, but is easily compacted and traveled quickly) Bob learned of Bobetta's history and personality, and vice versa. They were very similar, and could have been twins in another dimension. It was a wonder they hadn't met sooner.
When the entourage had arrived at their previously tropical destination, they disembarked and headed for their respective hotels on the beach. The camp was over a week long so everyone brought along a few extra heads, complete with hair and parkas. After getting settled in and changing his torso and parka (it was uncomfortably warm in the airliner and Bob had forgotten his deodorant) Bob set off to find Bobetta.
As previously mentioned, Bobetta is of a highly curious nature, and (as Bob learned on the jet) was always getting into interesting situations, if not trouble. After a thorough search of the hotel and the refrigerated swimming pool, Bob came to the inevitable conclusion that she must be satisfying some random curiosity that had inadvertently entered her mind.
Now, Bob sort of had an idea where to look because he knew what kind of person Bobetta was. After checking with Ed and Aristophanes, his other friends who came on the trip, Bob decided they would look for her together. They packed lunches and got ready to leave when they noticed that she had taken her birthday present. This confirmed his suspicions; Bobetta was going to check out the underwater lights coming from offshore!
Now they knew the situation was urgent. It was against EAA (Eskimo Aviation Agency) rules to transport compressed gas on jetliners, so the tank must have been empty. Bobetta might try diving, only to drown when she finds out that she has no air at all!
Bob, Ed, and Aristophanes rushed down to the docks by the beach to inquire of the dock master whether or not a young girl had filled a new scuba tank that afternoon. Unfortunately, the dock master was hard of hearing and couldnt understand the panting boys urgent request. After repeating their question three times, the trio was assured that she had filled her tank prior to departing for the underwater lights.
There were only six hours of daylight left, and the temperatures at night dropped to below freezing, making it dangerous to be outside, much less in the water. The three of them wasted no time plunging into the arctic waters of the Gulf of Mexico in search of their wayward comrade.
Upon reaching the area where the lights were shining, they discovered a small island previously obscured by the drifting icebergs. In the far side of this island, there was a tiny cave with a passage leading underwater. Where else would Bobetta go?
The three guys looked at each other, rearranged their facemasks, and steeled themselves for the difficult dive into the unknown.
About seven inches down (which is quite a long swim for a LEGO person, who naturally floats) the tunnel curved back upwards, like the drain on a sink. Then they resurfaced, obviously underground and under the surface of the sea. What they saw amazed them. There was a control room, complete with flashing lights, buttons, levers, and even robotic machine guns guarding a gigantic red lever surrounded by green laser beams. And in the midst of it all stood none other than Bobetta herself.
The trio of cold, wet would-be rescuers quietly approached the lone girl who was apparently absorbed in whatever task she was performing. Her back was turned to them, but they could see that she had dismantled a panel of the controls and was doing something with the wiring.
As they neared her, the drone machine gun swung around to face them and the six barrels started rotating with an electric hum. Bob, Ed, and Aristophanes froze in place, expecting to become metaphorical Swiss cheese at any moment. Had they been able to tear themselves away from the sight of the spinning monstrosity and the heavy chain of gleaming 50 caliber armor piercing bullets, they would have seen Bobetta hard at work, crossing wires and making sparks in the tangle of multicolored wires.
When the trio realized that they didn't have a plethora of new nostrils, they breathed a sigh of relief, which startled Bobetta, who hadn't noticed them. She accidentally dropped the wires she was holding and the sentry gun immediately started shooting. She must have disabled the movement circuits, because the gun didnt aim at them, but kept blasting the boys previous position. Bobetta quickly recovered and fixed the wires, which altogether stopped the gun.
Bobetta uttered one word: "Oops."
After a cursory examination, the foursome determined that nobody was hurt, although some vital-looking equipment was totally destroyed. The group guiltily approached the site with the worst damage and wondered what they had destroyed. Upon closer inspection though, the equipment turned out to be a coffee maker and a vending machine. Since none of them drank coffee, they weren't too disappointed.
Now came the obvious question: Where was the monkey's pickle barrel? However, the one the boys asked Bobetta sounded more like "What just happened?"
The bright young girl explained that she wanted to find out what the lever did but couldn't because the gun was guarding it. So she decided to disable the gun, but crossed the wrong wires the first time, causing it to lock onto the biggest target, the group of boys. Then she powered down the tracking system, and that's when the boys startled her, and the rest, as they say, is history.
She then explained what the lights were. There was some sort of highly advanced electronic device operating under the water, but there was a force field keeping her from investigating it too closely. So, naturally, she decided to explore the cave.
Now all eyes turned toward the lever. The green lasers were still operative, but a few yanks on the wires still dangling from the control panel took care of that. All that remained was actually throwing the switch.
As a precaution, the children put on their masks and tanks; after all, they had no idea what it could do. Bobetta slowly approached the lever, eyes scanning for more subtle security measures. Seeing none, she gripped the lever, fitting it into both yellow, curved hands. After one last glance at the boys for approval, she put all her weight into pulling it down. For a moment, it didnt budge. Then, just as she was about to give up, the bar smoothly and quickly moved to the bottom of the console.
Nothing happened. They waited, and waited, and waited. Still nothing. Ed spoke up: "I have to go to the bathroom."
Everyone turned and looked at him. "Well, the toilet here has bullet holes in it."
"Maybe the gunfire did damage something more important than the coffeemaker or the toilet."
"Maybe we just launched a nuclear missile."
"Maybe we blew up the moon."
"Maybe we need to go home."
After a reluctant sigh Bobetta relented. The disappointed foursome turned and slipped into the icy tunnel for the return home.
As they surfaced after coming out of the tunnel, they were faced with a new island, this one a little larger than the one from which they had just emerged. There was a small albeit impressive looking building on the island, presumably the one Bobetta had witnessed before entering the tunnel.
They swam to the island, except for Ed, who really had to go by now. This little soiree could continue with only three adventurers, after all, it had started with one. The trio approached the building, aware of the bright light on the metal and glass orb on top of the building. They were cautious, remembering the drone gun incident, but still walked right up to the building before they noticed a person in the orb.
The person didnt appear to notice them, and upon closer inspection seemed to be asleep. Bob and Aristophanes tried to get inside, but couldnt find a door. Thats when they noticed that Bobetta was nowhere to be seen. They split up and ran around the building, only to find her on the other side. Relieved, they asked what she was doing over there and why she didn't tell them.
"I think this is some sort of a climate control device," she replied. "Did you notice that the sun was a little hotter when we came out of the water?"
"I didn't really think anything of it," Bob said. "Why would anyone want to control the climate? It's perfect now."
"Its perfect now because someone's controlling it."
"You mean the climate didn't become cold like this as a natural result of the Eskimos ruling the world?" interjected Aristophanes.
"Apparently not. Maybe everything they're telling us isn't true. Or maybe this is how we came to rule the world. I don't know."
As they stood there pondering the mystery of the climate-controller, a side of the building opened up and a polar bear plodded towards the threesome. Being Eskimos, they knew what a polar bear could do to a full-grown LEGO person. They started to slowly back off when they noticed that the magnetic valves on the scuba tanks next to the bear were pointing toward it. Apparently, the bear was synthetic!
Bobetta quickly pulled out her radio and turned it on: static. That could only mean one thing, that the bear was being controlled by radio! All three looked up at the man in the blue dome and saw that he was awake and manipulating something inside the dome. If only they could get the bear out of range...
Bobetta knew exactly what to do. She ran past the bear, drawing the attention of the man in the dome, and leapt onto an iceberg. The bear followed suit, but when it landed it imparted a great deal of momentum to the iceberg. Now they were quickly floating away from the building. After a few moments, the bear froze in its tracks and a relieved Bobetta swam quickly back to the island.
By that time, Bob and Aristophanes had gone inside the building through the bear's exit door and apprehended the operator. After tying him to a desk in the lower part of the building, they looked around for papers explaining what the device was.
It was indeed a climate controller, but there was something else. Bob looked at the screen inside the orb and saw something he hadnt seen since he was little. He saw jungle people wearing skins and dancing around a fire surrounded by green foliage. He turned a knob and saw Native Americans in the Southwest, trading with cowboys. There were pirates raiding imperial galleons, miners drilling beneath the surface of the earth, space explorers defending against aliens, massive submarines battling over oxygen supplies, and archaeologists exploring Egyptian pyramids and running from mummies.
This was a link to the other LEGO worlds. Not only did it keep the world comfortable for the Eskimos, it kept the other worlds comfortable for the other societies. This was a remarkable device.
Bobetta returned and, seeing the look on the others faces, asked what they had discovered. Aristophanes filled her in while Bob continued to watch other cultures go about their business. After each of them had seen several other worlds, they decided that things were the best the way they were, and that they would untie the operator and go home.
Bob decided not to tell Bobetta's parents that she opened her present early. |
